Mourning a House

May 2018

My husband and I have been called by God and we said yes. That means packing up and moving out. I can hardly wait to start building relationships in our new area. I'm ready to hit the ground running and to take ground for the kingdom... But, that doesn't mean it's easy. I find myself on this wacky roller coaster of emotions. 

There's the obvious highs, but the lows; the deep sadness I feel when packing and thinking about all the people I'll leave behind, that's the tough part. 

Last week I was carrying wood out to the burn pit in our backyard and I walked slowly and just looked around. I am really going to miss this yard. It's been the space of many backyard BBQ's. I looked at our trees where our hammocks would hang and we'd all just hang out there together on nice days. I remembered my birthday party and the kids birthday parties we'd celebrated back there. I know it's just a yard in just a house, but the memories...

Just the other day we moved all of our bedroom furniture out, sans mattress. I stopped to take a break for a moment. I made a hot cup of tea and laid out on my mattress. With my cup on my stomach and staring up at the ceiling, I couldn't help but cry. I cried because I didn't even recognize my space anymore. I remember how excited we were to have our first house. I loved what was going to be our room. I couldn't wait to make it ours and just like that it's over. I know it's just a bedroom inside just a house, but the memories.,,

Studio cat and I were packing up my basement studio tonight.That one got me. This is MY space. This is the first time in my entire life that I've had a dedicated space to my art. I could be as messy, free, and creative as I wanted. I had a corner that was the kids studio. They learned to paint down there and they grew so much in their creativity. I led a women's art group down there. We bonded, prayed, and crafted down there. That space filled my cup. I know it's just a studio inside just a house, but the memories...

I'm mourning a house.

I know I'll make new memories in my next "just a house," and I'm really excited, but the memories are flooding in during this prep phase and It's got me emotional about things I didn't even realize I cared about.

Stay Hungry, Friends.

Reverse Engineering Envy

Perspective. I’ve heard people say God gives them a word before, but I never really understood what that meant. Well, now I do. I’ve been grappling with the word perspective for a couple months and I thought I’d share where it led me.

When the word perspective first hit me it was because I had such a great feeling about my own life and I was reflecting on how that wasn’t always the case. I couldn’t help but notice that physically I was in the exact same place I had always been, but somehow things seemed better. I realized that my perspective had changed; simple as that. Now, that I put my trust and self-worth in Jesus all of the other chatter was washed to the background. It’s amazing how something so small was so impactful.

“Simple as that,” I can almost hear people scoffing at that. I know because I’ve been there too. After my initial “wow look at me, I’m so happy now” moment I started to wonder about the people who haven’t changed their perspective or who haven’t looked at themselves through the lens of our Lord. And then I felt guilty. Our society calls for constant happiness so in response most of us fake it. We feel bad that everyone else seems happy and we’re not which leaves us depressed. Then when we are truly happy we feel bad because we know others could be struggling so then we feel guilty. What?! Then it really crippled me once I understood that this is the roller coaster of emotions we all go through almost daily when scrolling through our various social media feeds.

Be honest, how many of you have rage liked something? You know, you’re scrolling through Facebook and you see someone just got a new job while you’ve been searching for one for quite a while, or they are on vacation and you don’t have the time or funds to go on one, or any other thing that someone else is doing that you aren’t and you’re envious of. We have to be aware that almost no one is telling the whole truth online. So many of us, though showing happiness and having it all together, are grieving, depressed, anxious, suffering from illness, or struggling financially.

We find ourselves at a mass inflection point where we have to decide, are we going to keep faking it or are we going to begin living full authentic lives? I’ve heard many frightening stories and statistics about the younger generations who are growing up in this digital world. They haven’t been taught how to communicate properly and they allow the currency of social media notifications to determine their self-worth. And I thought my childhood was rough! How can we change this and make an actual difference? First, we need to start with ourselves by taking control of our own perspectives. You know the saying, “you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.”

The thing about perception is that it is reality. How we see something becomes our truth and that truth can be self-limiting. The most important thing we can do for ourselves and for others is to remember that we are all beautifully crafted by God. Keeping our focus on the Father and his opinion of us will change our perspective and hopefully we won’t feel the need for validation from others. I realize it’s not just a walk in the park. You have to continuously choose to give yourself to God, dig into the scriptures and remain in community with other strong believers, but it is where you find true love and self-worth

.

Outside of your own value, there are a few others things to remember. When you feel envious of something you see someone else doing or accomplishing keep in mind that their win is not your loss. Be proud that you are friends with the kind of people who are doing such great things. You may also look at what about the post is making you react with envy and turn it into action. Ask yourself why you are feeling that way and what you want and how do you make it happen.

I know this looks like a “down with social media” message, but it’s not. Social media is an invaluable tool and almost impossible to avoid in today’s world. I just think it can all be overwhelming in times of struggle and it would be good to establish some coping strategies. Begin to recognize what triggers you, and create a better online experience by unfollowing whatever content or people are affecting you. Then fill your feeds with inspirational content; start following more positive influences. And remember, it’s ok that things are not perfect. Embrace your path and know your worth in God. You are amazing, friend.

**Insider note**

In my couple of month struggle through this idea of perspective I was referring to my job. I used to hate what I did and didn’t feel accomplished. Now, in a similar line of work I feel great because I have spent a lot of time working through my worth being in God and not in my education level or my career path. Also, just because I feel so great and fulfilled in my work does not mean that I don’t regularly struggle with whether or not I am a good enough wife, mother, friend, Christian… fill in the blank. I don’t have it all figured out. No one does. 

I don’t know who this was for, but I hope it brings you comfort.

Stay hungry, friends!

The Right Kind of Witness

In June of this year I headed back into the 9 to 5 workforce. I had been home caring for my two small children for the 5 years preceding that. Granted, I held a few small jobs here and there, but oddly enough I worked alone in all of those positions. This was the first time in 5 years that I was going to be working alongside other people. I was headed into the wonderful world of manufacturing. Before children, and faith, I worked in a factory and I knew how dark those places could be. A place filled with real people, with real problems who were so very far from God. I was overjoyed to be heading back there again, armed with my faith and optimism. I was going to change the world.

By June of 2018 my family and I will be settling into our new home in North Carolina. We will start new jobs, new schools and learn new neighborhoods. Here is where my “world changing” becomes mission critical. My future workplace could house some of our new congregants. With this in mind, I’ve been in practice mode at my current job; asking myself if I have been exemplifying Christ at my workplace. Have I been showing my coworkers what it means to be a Christian? Does my behavior make them curious about what I have? Would they be interested in attending church with me or learning about Jesus? Have I been the right kind of witness?

Last week was my final week at that job. I started a new assignment at our sister company across town. It is likely that I will never see some of the people I’ve worked so closely with for the past 6 months again. I’ve been reflecting on my time there and I wonder… did I change the world? Well, no. I didn’t change the world, but I did plant seeds. I worked closely with an unchurched man who now watches our sermons online. I’ve had the “why did you start going to church” conversation with another person (intrigue. I’ll take it). I’ve had in-depth  conversations about Christianity and preached about how paramount fellowship and community are. Most importantly, I’ve showed compassion, grace and love to the people I work with. I see people who used to wander around with slouched shoulders now waving enthusiastically with big smiles. I’ve learned that happiness is contagious and that if you show contentment at your workplace it will begin to spread and people will wonder why.

I didn’t change the whole world in 6 months, but I had an impact on my tiny corner of it. This “practice run” was so transformative. Not only for those around me, but for myself as well. As an introvert, I knew socializing would be difficult. Knowing that I would be leaving actually made this easier. If I made a fool of myself, I’d move away and they’d never see me again. Ha. Having the safety of moving in my pocket gave me the courage and ambition to give it all a try. I invited someone to church. They never showed, but guess what? It wasn’t hard at all! I’ve gain confidence and strengthen my faith during my time at that job. I’m really going to miss everyone there, but I have been nominated to birth hope into another tiny corner. God has gifted me another practice assignment; My life will be marked by availability not apprehension. I will take what I’ve learned from my first 6 months and improve upon it for my next 6 months. By the time I get to North Carolina I’ll be baptizing people at work! Ok, Kidding, but I’ll be much more equipped to build relationships and share the good news.

Painting with Grandma

The recent loss of my grandma has been hard for me. All my spare moments have been in reflection of our relationship. My grandma was tough on me; I've mentioned that to people before when talking about her. She never hesitated to let me know when I wasn't my best self. I know that she did that out of love and because she just wanted what she thought was best for me, but when you are young you never get it. My recent revelation has been how much like her I am.

My grandma was so many things. She was eccentric, creative, and weird. She was an artist, a seamstress, a teacher, a dancer (proof of that here), a healer, a writer, and a visionary. I always knew these things about her, but I didn't really appreciate them until I was grown.

Award winning china painting by Donna Thewlis

My grandma was my first art teacher. She taught me everything I know about art and being creative. I remember being very young, probably 9 or 10, learning to watercolor on vellum. When grandma taught someone to paint she didn't just show them how to use the medium. She showed them how to really see what they were painting or drawing. She would point out how the light danced on the object and where the shadows would fall. She always made you aware of the tiny, unnoticeable details. The gift was if you paid attention to that training. 

When I was around 14 she taught me how to air brush. Here's a picture of that rolled up canvas; 19 years later and I still have it! And yes, its a painting of the band Hanson. I was a little obsessed with them when I was in junior high.

The best memory I have of painting this with my grandma is that she also listened to that teeny bobber music with me while we worked and she really got into the lyrics and discussed them with me. There was always more to learn from her than just how to paint.

Grandma made sure I was exposed to all sorts of creative arts and people. One time she took me to a friend's studio to try glass sagging. My mom still has the pieces my sister and I did. I went on many studio tours with her before I could drive and for my birthday she always took me to the dinner theater. The arts were important to her and she shared that love with who ever would listen. It just so happened that I loved the arts too and was a willing participant.

Now, because of the time my grandma invested in me, I look at things and see their potential. Her time mentoring me through art showed me how to think creativly about everything and I am eternally grateful.

With the passing of my grandma, the art community has lost one of the greats and I have lost someone to paint with. Or have I?....

My grandpa has allowed me to come to grandma's studio and pick out some of her supplies. I am also going to grab one of her unfinished art pieces. With her brush in hand, I'm going to paint with her one last time by completing that piece. Goodbye for now, grandma. See you in the studio.

Meeting our new family

As many of you know, Christian has accepted a call to ministry which long story short is leading us to North Carolina next year to serve among our Nazarene brothers and sisters in that district. A few weeks ago we were blessed to be able to make a trip there to be a part of their Mission Advance Conference.

It all started on Monday, June 5th; we packed our rental car and hit the road. We made what should be a 13 hours drive through Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, and finally to North Carolina in 17 hours. After we realized that we were going to get there 7 to 8 hours before we could actually check into our hotel, we decided to nap at a rest stop along the way. I love road trips! I like driving, seeing the natural beauty of different lands, forced connections between the car mates, and don't even get me started on gas station hotdogs. There is just something so relaxing and freeing about being on the road, until that hotdog catches up with you.

On  Tuesday morning we made it to our first stop... Biscuit World for breakfast. If you like biscuits, fried chicken and Jesus then you should be moving to North Carolina with us to plant a church; just saying. After breakfast we checked into our hotel. The hotel was in Archdale and the only plan we had that evening was to meet a family for dinner that Christian had connected with previously. Our families went out to dinner, the kids played together, and the grown ups talked shop. We got to hear many amazing stories from their journey in ministry and in life. I left dinner with a full belly and a full heart. This was just the first of many great connections we made on our trip. Wednesday evening we were invited into the home of one family. They cooked for us, listened to our story, told us their story, and in the mean time our kids became (in their words) best friends. On Saturday we made lunch plans with a Woman and her daughter that we had never met before who actually used to live in Illinois and went to the church we go to now. She introduced us to a really great BBQ joint and we got to connect with her about "Illinois stuff" like crummy winters and our shared love of Casey's Pizza. Everyone we met treated us like family. One of the things that I know I'm going to struggle with when we move is leaving everyone I know and love behind. As an introvert it makes me anxious to think about making friends. I didn't even have to try there! Everyone introduced themselves, loved on us, and helped us out. I have moms already helping me figure out the school systems there. One thing is for sure; our family grew exponentially on that trip.

Between meals and meetups, we spent our time driving around the area just looking at neighborhoods and dreaming. We imagined where we would live and what communities we would connect with. It is an incredible feeling when you just let the wind of Jesus carry you. I used to stress out over planning every single detail about every single thing. We are moving next summer and I have no idea what that will look like and it doesn't matter because God is good. I know that God has a plan for our family and that He is going to use us for the good of His Kingdom. All we had to do was say yes.

On Friday we were interviewed at the Mission Advance Conference. It was so humbling to share our story and the plans that God has laid out for us. Christian told the attendees about our start living a life far from God and how he has transformed us. He went on to tell them about our passion to tell others about the amazing love of Christ. Telling our story was great, but the best part was the people that would come up to us afterwards and tell us their stories and how they would like to help. We made so many connections at the conference and we look forward to being a part of the NC Naz team next year.

On Sunday, Christian had the privilege of preaching at the Wake Forrest Church of the Nazarene. It was such a blessing to go to that church and meet all of the wonderful people there. There is so much love and compassion in that congregation; we again had people offering their help to us for the mission. I also connected with some wives and I'm glad to have a network of women who understand ministry life. I'm so thankful!

The trip to North Carolina to meet our new family was so empowering and enlightening. It always feels so good to spend some time around other people who are on fire for Jesus; recharging to charge in. After meeting everyone and getting a feel for the area I'm even more excited to get there and get to work.

Survival of the Fittest

Christian came home from North Carolina Friday and we spent time together as a family doing what we all love, watching one or two episodes of our favorite show. Right now we are watching The Flash. We watched one episode that involved bees (that's all I'll say so I don't ruin anything for those who haven't seen it). One character mentions, as a random side note, that jumping into a body of water won't deter a bee; they will wait for you to surface. What! I had an instant flashback to my childhood when myself and about 10 other girls at camp were attacked by bees. We were all stung multiple times and to this day I wished there was a lake to jump into. But hey, what do movies really know anyway. The next time I'm ever being chased down by hundreds of bees, I'll probably still give the lake jump a shot.

Every single night before I go to bed I open my Curiosity app (it's great, go download it right now). It gives you five random articles every day about any subject from science, art, history, etc. and each article has linked YouTube videos about that subject and suggested related stories. I think I mentioned rabbit holes before… anyway, before bed and after watching that episode of The Flash I opened Curiosity to find an article titled, “bumblebees can distinguish each other by their smelly footprints.” That's odd, I had to check it out. In the article I learned how clever bumblebees were. I learned that they can recognize their own scent mark on a flower and tell the difference between a relative and a stranger. Nice article… scrolling down and checking out the videos and suggested related articles and Holy Moly!

Say it isn't so! "Find out how to survive a swarm of killer bees." I must know more. Killer bees, which is what I call every type of bee, are apparently a hybrid of African and Western honey bees. They got their name for a reason, people! I read that these things will follow a victim for a quarter mile or longer. Yikes. But there's good news, Curiosity assures me that the average adult can out run the killer bee; assuming you can run for a quarter mile or longer. These crazed honeymakers were "created" by accident when hives of biologist Warwick E. Kerr's African honey bees escaped and interbred with Western honey bees in the 1950's. From there they spread throughout South America and arrived in North America in the 1980's. There’s more good news. I looked up the spread of the Africanized honey bee in North America and (at least as of 2009) they had not made their way to my current Midwestern home or my future home in North Carolina. I might brush up on my cardio just in case.

Thinking about the creation of the killer bee made me think about our enemy, Satan. I couldn't help but compare the physical attack of the bees to the enemy attacking us in our daily lives. I thought, if new species can be created to destroy, what's to say the devil can't continually create new ways of attacking us in our modern lives. Since the enemy is deliberately advancing his techniques for attack, we need to be progressively seeking our defense; God is our defense. Jumping in a lake won't save us, but running will. Run straight to God everyday and you will out run the enemy. Scripture tells us over and over about the protection of God. 

Just a few examples:

2 Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I noticed that in those verses the "evil one" and "them" were not clearly defined but I think it is inferred that God is talking about killer bees. Only kidding!

*Disclaimer: I don't actually think bees are bad and I understand how important they are to our ecosystems. I have only demonized these incredibly creepy creatures because of my traumatic childhood experience and my fear of future sting operations. 

Stay hungry, friends!

This is just who I am

So, I'm starting a blog... This has been a fantasy of mine since before the word blog existed (that was in the late 90's in case you were wondering). Yes, I know I was in junior high in the late 90's; not to mention we didn't have a computer in our house at that time, but what I wanted was to share my thoughts. Maybe authentic connections can be made from this outlet. If fear is not the reason for our lack of authenticity in our relationships, then time is. I know I am guilty of not making the time for that depth and development with my peers. Here's hoping I can connect with others and potentially help the weird ones feel less weird.

What better time to jump off the blog platform then right as my family is embarking on a brand new life changing adventure. My husband answered a call to ministry, which he outlines in his blog here,
and we will be moving across the country and planting a church in Raleigh, North Carolina. This is an exciting time for us and I'm sure there will be plenty to document.

With that being said, I want to point out that the focus of my blog is not going to be solely on our journey to North Carolina. The theme here will be undefined. I don't want to set limitations on what random things I feel that I need to share. I'm a mother, so some weeks you'll get the joys of parenting, maybe a failed Pinterest project or two, but some weeks you're likely to follow me down the rabbit hole of quantum mechanics.

Or B movie ratings, or some cool thing I saw on the NASA app, or a Ted Talk. I can become a bit obsessive over knowledge. Just yesterday my husband sent me a picture of a beautiful Gothic Revival chapel and I spent the night researching Gothic architecture. If you like corny physics jokes, 3 stars and under movies, art, science, engineering feats, and totally mind blowing stories in the bible then you'll like my blog. This is random, this is fun, this is just who I am.